Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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