i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
