so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
