glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
