i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
