wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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