You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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