i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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