it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
