He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
