Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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