i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
