so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
