Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
