i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
