just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
