I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
