im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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