Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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