If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
