It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
