Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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