It's Friday. Sex?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
