insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
