you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
