there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
