I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
