yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
