just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
