So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
