Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
