Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
