I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
