I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
