You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
