Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
