I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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