she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
