i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
