Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself