Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.