i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
