Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
