i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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