I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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