I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
