Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
