Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
