Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
