I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
