is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
