I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
