I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
