she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
