Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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