I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
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