clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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