Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
