I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
