If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
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He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
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Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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