How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Floor bacon is actually really good
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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