four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
